Extrovert. Introvert. Me.

     I washed and rinsed my bowl in the hot, sudsy water and then put it in the rack to dry before moving on to the spoons.  I idly began to wonder why I have more than one bowl.  More than one spoon.  More than one plate.
     I have lived alone for the better part of eight years now.  I moved out of Ohio in 2004 and into a new life in New Mexico.  Yes, there were a few months in 2005 where I lived with someone else, but for the most part, I have been living alone.  Moving to my current position in the Chicago suburbs has not changed my roommate status.  But that is not a reason to consider cutting down the number of plates, bowls, cutlery, and the like.
     No, the fact that I never have guests is the reason.
     What are my plates, but a vain hope that someone will spend the night? What are my glasses but a reminder that I drink alone?
     I sometimes say that I do not date because of my schedule.  And there is some truth in that.  Rotating shifts take a lot out of me.  I do not always have the energy to go out and meet people.  And the women that I meet are not always into the idea that during evening shift week, I am completely out of phase with a normal 9-5 schedule and during owl & transition weeks, I am somewhat zombified. Not to mention the fact that there are two weekends every five week rotation where I am working 25 hours out of 48.
     But again, that is not the whole reason. After all, I could probably find someone if I tried.
     No, it comes down to this. I have grown accustomed to solitude in my apartment.  The idea that someone might come over actually fills me with anxiety.  Excitement, certainly.  But anxiety nonetheless.
     My living room is cluttered and my bedroom looks like a cyclone hit it.  The way to my bed is less a path than an obstacle course.  Yet, I have memorized it and can maneuver it in pitch darkness. My apartment is small and cramped and I do not have places for all of my stuff. To make it presentable, I need to buy so many things.  But since I have no plans of inviting anyone over, there is no reason to buy them. It is a cycle and I do not know if I can break it.  I do not know if I want to break it.
     I used to think that I would have guests.  Friends.  Dates.  Colleagues. That was long ago. I like people.  I truly do.  That is why I go out dancing. Why I cook for my coworkers.  Why I juggle in public and ride my unicycle.  Why I occasionally go out and play games with coworkers. I like to make people smile.  I like to make them laugh.  I like life.  I do not always like to be alone, but it has been so long ... I am no longer certain that I can be a good host.